I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
