I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
