Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
