btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
