omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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