Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
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Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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