She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
