Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
