i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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