I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
