I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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