sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
