alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
