If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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