He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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