so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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