I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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