3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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