Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
