i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
