Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
