I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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