Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
