I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Randomize
