Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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