Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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