you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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