dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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