ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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