So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
