Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
no, he came in my armpit
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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