You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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