I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
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So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
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You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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