So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
