hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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