In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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