Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
my poor anus
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
