tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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