Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
