WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
