A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i out mim tonsoeep
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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