what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize