I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
