cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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