My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
