I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
