Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize