It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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