There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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