Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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