as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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