also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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