I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
