Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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