took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
