I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
