My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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