I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
