did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
