wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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